A Sober Man’s Guide to Being a Successful Weedtrepreneur

There are great opportunities to create successful businesses when new industries are forming. Thus, as the devil’s lettuce becomes legal in more and more states, weed entrepreneurship is on the rise. As a god-fearing man, I’m morally and personally opposed to this illicit substance – the smell sickens me, and I feel like only a real loser would ever use the stuff, but Jesus didn’t die on the cross so that we could all sit here and be poor our whole lives. The text that follows will guide you on how you can successfully launch your own marijuana brand and business without losing sight of your Christian values.

Give your products Christian names

You’ve got some freedom here as the marijuana industry is known for being creative with their strain names. Noah’s Spunk, Crown of Stems, and Burning Bush are all great names for your various flower products. Edible products are generally known for their ability to knock you on your ass, so you’ll want to make sure these have an appropriate name to warn consumers of their potency. Name them something like Judgment Day Gummies, Crucifixion Chocolates, or Satan’s Asshole Breathmints.

Use the subduing effects of marijuana to induce religious conversion

Many folks say that marijuana has magical effects when consumed by humans. While we all know that the only magic in this world that exists is in the form of God’s Spirit of Will and from Emperor Trump’s Freedom Juice™, not all humans are as astute as you and I. Especially the weak-minded ones that use products containing marijuana. Indeed it is a proven fact that humans high on illicit and less-than-illicit substances like marijuana are more than 3 times as likely to have a religious experience than a sober-minded individual such as myself, and I have religious experiences every day like when I’m driving on the expressway and a hippie in a self-driving electric vehicle cuts me off. Considering that, you can understand that it is quite simple to talk some sense into these pot smokers and easily convince them to get a goddamn haircut and attend church every once in a while. Just don’t convert them too hard or else they’ll stop smoking your Jesus Joints.

Market other products to your sinning client base

While it is not always our preference to enable sinners to live lifestyles that we fundamentally disagree with, it is at the same time our duty as red-blooded, God-fearing, Americans to squeeze every last dime that we can out of our neighbors. Ultimately that’s what Jesus wanted and so we shall obey. Soon after launching your local weed delivery service, you should design a catalog of various goods and services that your clients can order. Fill the catalog with other sin items like lottery tickets, rolling papers, booze, and cigarette lighters featuring nudity.

The catalog portion of my business now accounts for approximately 40% of my entire monthly revenue stream, so I highly recommend you follow this model. I distribute the ‘Spirits Guide’ to my delivery customers which contains 14 pages of various liquors, 8 pages of other add-on items like scratchers and condoms, 4 pages of homegrown semi-professional pornography, and the back 6 pages are filled with local services that pay me to feature their ads including, but not limited to, full-service massage parlors, escort services, gay marriage officiants and abortion clinics for a total of 32 pages of graphically stimulating and money-making content.

Monopolize weed retail in your area by influencing local government

Were there two Jesus Christs? Absolutely not. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no need for there to be more than one marijuana operation within city limits. There are a couple of repeatable methods that I recommend in order to build up your marijopoly. First, if marijuana is still less-than-legal in your local area, you have a great advantage because there won’t be an existing retail marijuana businesses. You’re just going to need to convince your local government to decriminalize or legalize the stuff which is easier than it sounds. You’ve got quite a lot of freedom here, but the easiest way that I’ve found to do it is to uncover some dirt on your local government officials and then blackmail them. For example, I found out that the mayor of my small town likes to wear women’s panties and told him that if he didn’t legalize marijuana for my business and only my business, I’d setup a Twitter bot that tags local clergymen and posts a picture every hour of his shenanigans that I obtained through snapchat. After that, marijuana was literally legalized overnight in my town and ever since then I’ve been raking in the green.

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