6 Reasons Why Free Lunches Will Spice Up Your Bland Office

Catered lunches are one of the most cost-efficient ways to keep your workers engaged, happy and as stuffed as a pig at a slop circus. Below are 6 reasons that will convince you that catered lunches are exactly what your office needs.

It’s the perk to end all perks

Your staff will be so engorged every day that they won’t even be able to concentrate, so you won’t have to worry about supplying any other less worthwhile benefits like retirement plans or maternity leave.

Lettuce Enjoy Lunch
Lettuce Enjoy Lunch

Catered lunches provide incredible financial value

Purchasing more food than is necessary to feed all of your employees is inevitable when catering lunches since many of your workers are likely to be vegans with weak appetites. This seemingly-expensive food waste is a great tax benefit for your company as you’ll be able to write off tens of thousands of dollars per year. Additionally, gluten-frees are not a protected class so you’ll be able to easily identify and fire them for cause saving you money on their salaries.

It’ll get your employees talking

Catered meals are always a topic of conversation for your employees which is great for engagement and retention. A lot of times you’ll hear them complaining about the food options not living up to their high expectations. These complaints are great for company morale they allow people to blow off steam by slam dunking their three-quarters-full plates into the compost bin.

Slam Dunk Perk
Free lunches are a slam dunk perk.

You can do no wrong while there are catered lunches

It’s difficult to identify the perks that your employees will really enjoy. Catered lunches are one of those types of perks. Your workers will love this perk so much that they will revolt if you ever hint at getting rid of the lunches. Clearly, having free lunches will trivialize all other things, so you can can do anything you want to your employees without any blow-back like blatantly sexually harassing them in front of their peers.

Your employees never have to leave the office

You will not risk losing work efficiency by having your employees out of the office roaming around town trying to find a sandwich. Employees that are in the office for the entire working day will learn to develop healthy work and personal habits and thus will better throughput.

Work Hard, Sleep Harder
Work Hard, Sleep Harder

You can test your employees’ immune systems

Catered lunches are a great way of weeding out the weaker workers that might be under your employ. Assess your staff’s immune systems by featuring dishes containing nuts, shellfish, and human fecal matter – anyone that has a negative reaction to any of these things should have it brought up at their next performance review when discussing potential areas for improvement.

Perflatulence Review
Perflatulence Review

4 reasons why you shouldn’t fear the future

AI will make your life easier

As artificial intelligence develops and becomes smarter and smarter, its #1 goal will always be to make your life better. Eventually it will become so smart that we won’t even have to worry about trying to make it smarter because it will just make itself smarter. At that point, we will have nothing to worry about because AI will take care of everything – it will become not only aware of itself, but aware of all of our feelings and needs and it will seek to pacify us by any means necessary.

Less optimistic people have argued that Artificial Intelligence could become dangerous to humankind, however I believe those people have woefully mistaken AI’s true intentions. Most likely AI will take your life – it will just take your job. Once it does, you’ll finally be able to just kick your feet up and relax while you enjoy your universal basic income.

lounging man serenaded by robot
The good life brought to you by robots.

Drones will do your bidding

Imagine that your neighbor is pissing you off – this shouldn’t be too difficult because it is almost always the case with neighbors. Imagine that said neighbor has a large dog that they like to let loose so that it can come over and take a big dump in your yard. Now imagine that you step in said pile of dog shit. Now what are you going to do about that?

Before drones existed, there was very little that you could do about a stray pile like this besides accept it as a reality and maybe occasionally call the dog warden. In a post-drone world, you can subjugate solar-powered flying robots to literally vacuum shit out of your yard and blast it back out onto your neighbors roof much akin to a mascot at a baseball game blowing a t-shirt out of a cannon. Eventually your neighbor will have so much shit on his roof that his roof will fall in upon itself and he will regret feeding his little dog so much puppy chow featuring livers and horse meat.

drones of the future

Changing climates will keep things interesting

While scientists, environmentalists, economists, researchers, politicians, military leaders, sociologists, and others are busy spouting off about the downsides of climate change, I assure you that it won’t actually be nearly as boring as they’re making it sound. In fact, it’s going to be one helluva good time for several reasons.

Inclement weather will stimulate the economy by creating tens of thousands of new jobs. We’ll need tons of people to construct and reinforce our buildings. Additional jobs will be created as we’ll need people to ride helicopters around to rescue people from floods and avalanches and extinguish fires. It’s shocking that purposely accelerating global warming with the focus on economic growth hasn’t been a high priority until now.

Lastly, the rising water levels in combination with severe weather will create tons of new exciting water-based activities. Think of how much fun it would be to be able to white water raft down the stairs of your house in the morning as part of your daily commute. You might be thinking that if your house is totally flooded that it would be a problem, but you must remember we’re talking about the future where if your house floats away, you can just 3d print yourself a new one.

When rafting to work, try to remain inconspicuous by using a giant pizza raft.

VR will transport you to alternate worlds

If the world described above doesn’t sound very appealing to you, don’t worry – virtual reality will re-define meaning in your life. The great thing about this technology is that it takes us away from our modern problems and places us into a fun-loving distant past. All you have to do is put a helmet on your head and you’ll be transformed from the fidget spinning, snapchatting modern lame-o that you are into a full-scale-mail-wearing hero of the past that slays dragons and demons and wins over the heart of every maiden from sea to shining sea.

Anyone can be a VR hero.

A Sober Man’s Guide to Being a Successful Weedtrepreneur

There are great opportunities to create successful businesses when new industries are forming. Thus, as the devil’s lettuce becomes legal in more and more states, weed entrepreneurship is on the rise. As a god-fearing man, I’m morally and personally opposed to this illicit substance – the smell sickens me, and I feel like only a real loser would ever use the stuff, but Jesus didn’t die on the cross so that we could all sit here and be poor our whole lives. The text that follows will guide you on how you can successfully launch your own marijuana brand and business without losing sight of your Christian values.

Give your products Christian names

You’ve got some freedom here as the marijuana industry is known for being creative with their strain names. Noah’s Spunk, Crown of Stems, and Burning Bush are all great names for your various flower products. Edible products are generally known for their ability to knock you on your ass, so you’ll want to make sure these have an appropriate name to warn consumers of their potency. Name them something like Judgment Day Gummies, Crucifixion Chocolates, or Satan’s Asshole Breathmints.

Use the subduing effects of marijuana to induce religious conversion

Many folks say that marijuana has magical effects when consumed by humans. While we all know that the only magic in this world that exists is in the form of God’s Spirit of Will and from Emperor Trump’s Freedom Juice™, not all humans are as astute as you and I. Especially the weak-minded ones that use products containing marijuana. Indeed it is a proven fact that humans high on illicit and less-than-illicit substances like marijuana are more than 3 times as likely to have a religious experience than a sober-minded individual such as myself, and I have religious experiences every day like when I’m driving on the expressway and a hippie in a self-driving electric vehicle cuts me off. Considering that, you can understand that it is quite simple to talk some sense into these pot smokers and easily convince them to get a goddamn haircut and attend church every once in a while. Just don’t convert them too hard or else they’ll stop smoking your Jesus Joints.

Market other products to your sinning client base

While it is not always our preference to enable sinners to live lifestyles that we fundamentally disagree with, it is at the same time our duty as red-blooded, God-fearing, Americans to squeeze every last dime that we can out of our neighbors. Ultimately that’s what Jesus wanted and so we shall obey. Soon after launching your local weed delivery service, you should design a catalog of various goods and services that your clients can order. Fill the catalog with other sin items like lottery tickets, rolling papers, booze, and cigarette lighters featuring nudity.

The catalog portion of my business now accounts for approximately 40% of my entire monthly revenue stream, so I highly recommend you follow this model. I distribute the ‘Spirits Guide’ to my delivery customers which contains 14 pages of various liquors, 8 pages of other add-on items like scratchers and condoms, 4 pages of homegrown semi-professional pornography, and the back 6 pages are filled with local services that pay me to feature their ads including, but not limited to, full-service massage parlors, escort services, gay marriage officiants and abortion clinics for a total of 32 pages of graphically stimulating and money-making content.

Monopolize weed retail in your area by influencing local government

Were there two Jesus Christs? Absolutely not. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no need for there to be more than one marijuana operation within city limits. There are a couple of repeatable methods that I recommend in order to build up your marijopoly. First, if marijuana is still less-than-legal in your local area, you have a great advantage because there won’t be an existing retail marijuana businesses. You’re just going to need to convince your local government to decriminalize or legalize the stuff which is easier than it sounds. You’ve got quite a lot of freedom here, but the easiest way that I’ve found to do it is to uncover some dirt on your local government officials and then blackmail them. For example, I found out that the mayor of my small town likes to wear women’s panties and told him that if he didn’t legalize marijuana for my business and only my business, I’d setup a Twitter bot that tags local clergymen and posts a picture every hour of his shenanigans that I obtained through snapchat. After that, marijuana was literally legalized overnight in my town and ever since then I’ve been raking in the green.

Rider’s Guide to San Francisco Public Transportation

Whether you’re riding BART or Muni, every trip can be a rewarding and memorable experience if you follow the tips below. You’ll learn some time-saving tips, proper transit etiquette, and how to win new friends in this guide to the San Francisco Bay Area public transportation.

Save yourself time by eating and drinking

Let’s face it, commuting to work on public transportation can turn into a daily grind. Save yourself time in the mornings by eating breakfast on the bus or train. Don’t worry about spillage if the vehicle abruptly stops. There are public servants that are trained and enjoy cleaning up messes. Cleaning crews employed by Muni and BART are some of the highest paid and most efficient workers in the entire country.

Play music for your fellow passengers

The natural sounds of trains and buses can be quite loud even despite the fact that the ones in the Bay Area are very well maintained. You can help drown out these deafening sounds by playing music out loud for yourself and for your fellow passengers. Everyone within earshot will genuinely appreciate your DJing skills and music choices and usually will applaud at the end of each song. Make sure you choose a song with deep bass and high-pitched vocals so that you can properly test out the range of your phone’s speakers. If you don’t have a smartphone that can play music, don’t worry! Just access your phone’s Settings menu and play the ringtones that come pre-loaded on your device.

Be like this guy.

Grab a seat if you can and stay put

Nobody likes having to stand on the bus or train. If you are lucky enough to spot an empty seat – grab it and don’t give it up under any circumstances! Giving up your seat would be depriving yourself of one of life’s greatest pleasures – exposing your clothes and skin to the immaculately clean seating surfaces of Bay Area public transportation. Plus it’s not your fault that someone else decided to become pregnant, old, or disabled.

That’s not a stain, it’s part of the upholstery design.

Move to, and stand in front of the doors 1-2 minutes before your stop

This one is obviously most true when you’re on a crowded vehicle with lots of people. You definitely don’t want to miss your stop by being 10-15 feet away from the door when it opens since sometimes the other passengers don’t want you to get off and will try to block you, so make sure that you start working your way towards the door a few minutes in advance of getting off. Since the door areas are generally the least crowded part of any public transportation vehicle, the space can comfortably accommodate a few more people. You can think of it like a game where the objective is to stand as close as humanly possible to someone else and where you earn bonus points by touching their arms, hands, and faces as you try to hang on while the vehicle is still in motion.

Hold the doors for your friends

If you know that your friends are on their way to the train station or streetcar stop and are just a couple of blocks away, make sure you hold the doors for them so that they don’t miss the train. Public transportation in the Bay area is generally so efficient that the trains are never delayed and actually run ahead of schedule, so they can spare a few minutes while your friends ride the escalator down to the platform. Some people will claim that this can break the doors and force the train to go out of service, but those people are liars because I’ve never ever seen that happen.

Make eye contact and start conversations

This is just common sense – humans are social creatures and love interacting with other people while they are confined in close spaces. Some people are weird though and don’t like talking while on public transit. If you come across someone like that, pull your phone and out and make a call on speakerphone. This will help train the non-talkers the basic rules of appropriate conversation and guide them in their journey to learning proper public transportation etiquette.

Customer Service Tips from the Corner Store Owner

Operating a corner store can be a lucrative and rewarding but sometimes-dangerous venture. It’s recommended that you be a people person if you are thinking of entering into corner store ownership. Here are some tips from a corner store owner on how you can utilize great customer service to win over your neighborhood, get plenty of repeat customers, and not get stabbed by all of the insane drunk people that hang out outside your store.

Pay attention to your customers’ body language

The best way to figure out what kind of mood your customers are in is to pay attention to their body language. If they have a relaxed posture, lean in when they speak, and make pleasant eye contact then they are showing positive body language. This is good because it means that they’re in a good mood and may be a bit more chatty. Generally these people are less likely to stab you.

If they look tense and a bit cagey and are attempting to conceal their identity with a disguise, be alert because you might be getting stabbed. Try to get them out of the store as quickly as possible by yelling obscenities. If they reach into their jacket and you have any doubt at all about their motives, fire your shotgun at them indiscriminately.

Always pay attention to the current threat level.

Suggest pairings to go with your customers’ purchases

In addition to starting a conversation with your customers about what they’re buying, you should also try to get them to add on other purchases that might be similar. This is exactly how Amazon has made billions of dollars. Every other type of retail business generally tries to stock items right next to one another, but in this corner store business you want to make sure that any items even remotely similar are as far away as possible from one another. If, for example, a customer brings up a frozen burrito, say something like “frozen burrita huh? Don’t forget the toilet paper which is right in the back next to the cat food.”

Start casual conversations with your customers

If they’re being chatty ask them how their day is going and ask them if they found everything they needed. Take this opportunity also to comment on everything that they’re purchasing. In case you’re not the chatty type, here are some different items that they may have purchased matched with some conversation starters that you can lead off with:

Set up the impulse buys section properly

Corner stores can sometimes get a long line going at checkout since there is only one register. Also sometimes contributing to long lines are the local drunks with their slow, sluggish thoughts and movements and their purchasing habits. You should set up an appealing impulse buys section near the register so that your customers have items to browse while the drunks fish out their change to buy another steel reserve high gravity can. You’ll want to stock the area with candies, beef jerky, and lighters. You should have advertisements for alcohol and cigarettes randomly placed around the register because even though 90% of your customers are there to purchase alcohol or cigarettes, the other 10% may not realize that you sell those products at the store. Finally I like to always make sure I have a jar of pigs feet near the register. The suckling pigs feet will make your waiting customers disturbed and so they will be likely to buy more booze.

Use technology as a tool to help you with customer service

Keep an iPad in the store so that you can keep your regular customer’s information on file. Try to keep their names, email addresses, phone numbers, photos and social media information stored on the iPad. You can use this information to track their shopping behavior so that you know what items to keep in stock. If you have regular female customers, ask them if it’s alright if you keep track of their monthly cycle using menstrual tracking applications. You can let her know that you will make sure that you have plenty of tampons and chocolates in stock at the right times.

Guide to Starting a Successful Lunch Spot in San Francisco

Starting a business is and has never been easy. There are many factors to consider and you need to have a solid plan to really be successful. Follow this guide closely and you will be well on your way to running a successful lunch spot in San Francisco.

Price your menu appropriately

First consider the cost of your ingredients, labor, and overhead – this is called your Cost of Goods Sold (COGS) and it is totally irrelevant when pricing out your menu. Generally around $18 for a sandwich is a reasonable price. Remember if your prices are too low, the meal will be perceived as cheap and lower quality, so try to make sure your customers feel like they just got mugged.

Add unique ingredients to the menu items

Horse tongue with roasted fennel, sriracha whipped cream and maple-bacon relish sounds mouthwatering doesn’t it? Adding obscure ingredients to your menu will further justify your prices being slightly higher than a used car. When you’re drawing up the menu, feel free to make up words to list as ingredients. A good way to think of it is the more confused your customers are the less likely they’ll be to complain. If they do complain you can just tell them that they have an unrefined palate.

Choose a memorable theme

This is one of the most important things that you’ll do when planning the business. Having a memorable theme is important as it will create a mental anchor for your patrons and will encourage repeat business. I generally like to be subtle when picking a theme for my businesses. My most famous restaurant is called “Gumshoe” and the theme is that we have thousands of used gumballs applied to the floor. Our theme works well because patrons notice it immediately upon entering the restaurant and it really sticks out as unique in their minds. This theme has a side benefit in that our customers tend to spend more money while they’re inside since their feet are stuck to the floor and it is very difficult for them to leave.

Generate a buzz

If you’ve been following the rest of the tips so far this part shouldn’t be too difficult. Your goal here should be to get a line going out the door, down the sidewalk, and around the block. Ultimately you want passersby to not know why there is a line. This will cause them to wait in the line. The line should be so intrusive to the flow of foot traffic that people have no choice but to stand in it if they want to get past your location – this is a very common tactic used by restaurants in San Francisco. If you’re unable to initially generate some buzz, consider hiring people from the internet to congregate outside of the building. You can offer to pay them with your sandwiches that cost more than what a minimum wage job pays.

Don’t offer public restrooms

You’d be doing yourself a great disservice if you offer public toilets. While a restroom may seem like it would be convenient, plumbing bills can be very expensive and can wreck your business. Not having a bathroom also ensures that you always have employees available to make sandwiches since you won’t have to worry about them taking unnecessary breaks from work. Not having bathrooms works especially well if the theme that you chose is sanitation-related.

Get some Yelp reviews

Like it or not, positive yelp reviews are vital to any local business these days. Whenever it seems like a customer has a good experience, encourage them to get online and post about it. Likewise, negative reviews can ruin your business as people will be less likely to visit. Whenever it seems like a customer has a negative experience, you should try to get their personal information so that you can call them and yell at them if they give you a bad review. Most people don’t really care about their privacy, but not everyone is willing to fork over their personal information to restaurants. In these rare cases, unfortunately you’re just going to have to pay Yelp to take them down. Unfortunately this is very expensive. The cost to remove a negative review is about 4 and a half sandwiches.